Bright light city's gonna set my soul
Gonna set my soul on fire
I got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn
So get those stakes up higher
I'm gonna give it everything I got
Lady Luck, please, let the dice stay hot
Let me shoot a seven with every shot
Hey, viva Las Vegas
Viva Las Vegas
Viva Viva
Las Vegas
Larry. Larry, it's time to go to Blake and Victoria's party.
Come on. You promised we'd go check out the new stuff
Siegfried and Roy got for their living room.
Move!
Whoa! Something just came out of me.
Why are you so against going to the tigers' party?
They're so weird. Last party, Blake had cross-dressing monkeys
playing classical music.
It's better than sitting here all night. Can't we do something fun for once?
We do fun stuff all the time. We sleep in the same bed 14 hours a night.
- I only sleep six hours a night. - Really? Seems you'd get more done.
Larry, we need to keep our relationship fresh.
When we were younger, we used to go skinny-dipping at the Bellagio.
- We were spontaneous. - Okay. How about this for spontaneous?
Didn't see that coming, did you?
That's the problem, Larry. I did.
I'll go get ready for the party.
I can't remember my PIN number.
Mom, Hunter's in the bathtub lip-synching Tori Amos again.
He must be depressed.
He's really sensitive lately. What a tool.
What's with the suicidal chick music coming out of the can?
It's Hunter again. Maybe we shouldn't go to the party.
Don't be silly. I'll hang out with him and cheer him up.
Here...
- Silent all these years - Are we still pretending he's not gay?
- I'm excited. This could be fun. - Yeah.
Play, play your chimpanzee hearts out,
you repulsive primates!
Frank, your shoulder strap is slipping. Show some class.
Wow! Siegfried and Roy really hooked them up. Look at the new art.
And this rug. And that awesome TV. Wow, look at that thing.
It's huge.
Doesn't even look like they're using it.
- Monstrous! - Oh, look. They've got a mud bath.
- Let's jump in. - Mud bath? Gee, I don't know.
That stuff gets caught in weird places, dries and drops out when it's not cool.
Just admit you don't want to because it's something different.
Larry, Kate, so nice to see you.
It's fun to get our friends together so they can all look at our things.
I'm a renegade KGB agent.
I'm a sexually ambiguous loner working in a bookstore in Delaware.
You have a lovely home.
See? Look at them. There's still plenty of excitement in their marriage.
I defect! I defect!
Okay. Let's get crazy. What do you want to do?
I don't know. We could start with some dancing.
Come on, Kate. You know I pitch a tent when I fancy dance.
You know what, Larry? I think I'm just gonna go.
Wait, we'll have fun.
I'll go in the kitchen and eat. Come out. Burp.
You tell me what I had, huh?
How fun is that? It's nuts.
I'm tired, Larry.
But...
Women, huh? They don't get guys like us.
Dude, zip me.
Roy, what is the matter? You haven't eaten a single bite of your strudel.
You have busted me again, CSI Miami.
I'm sad we've got a new living room for the tigers
and nothing for the lions.
- We cannot show favoritism. - The tigers are higher-maintenance.
I know. But ever since my grandfather loved his clogs more than me,
I have hated inequality.
Then there is only one thing to do. We must get a special gift for the lions.
Yes. Siegfried and Roy will attend the local mall and do a shopping.
- Hunter? Hey, Hunter? - Hey, quit it.
Are you gonna make me, snow cone?
Anthony! Kick that kid's ass and get home.
I need you to be there in case I pass out while I'm smoking a cigarette.
We'll finish this tomorrow, dweeb.
I assume that punk's the reason you're singing that
boo-hoo broad music in the bathroom.
- Yeah. - Hunter, you're a lion.
You can't get picked on by an herbivore.
I know. What am I gonna do? I have to wrestle him at school tomorrow.
Boy, it's time to teach you the ancient ways of the lion.
We gotta dig down past your video games, your scrapbooking projects,
and that fegalah Harry Potter and find the warrior within.
Since the time of the ancient lion,
warriors have gathered around the sacred fire to bring new males into the pride.
Hunter comes to join the circle of warriors. Mombasa!
- Mombasa? - Say it like you mean it.
- Mombasa! - That's right.
Now, the warrior exercises. Bernie, you be the zebra.
Absolutely. It would be an honor to be mutilated by your grandson, sir.
Hunter, attack the herbivore.
I'm a zebra. I'm a zebra. Aaah!
- Didn't hurt. - Come on. Show him who's boss.
A devastating blow to my pendulous sweetbreads.
It's as if your mighty instep had crushed my nut sack, sir.
- Mombasa! - Mombasa!
- Hey, honey. - How was the rest of the party?
Everybody cleared out, but I stuck around to pick up some leftovers.
- Bet you didn't see that coming. - Oh, my God! You stole the tigers' TV?
Yeah, for you. You said it was awesome.
- Have you lost your mind? - I'm a lion.
You were upset, I attacked. You wanted me to be spontaneous.
Spontaneous doesn't mean stupid.
It doesn't? See, I'm totally out of my depth here.
What I wanted was for us to be crazy together.
Well, you know about this, so you're an accomplice.
That makes you the wheel man, huh?
We can't steal from our neighbors.
Kate, I know the TV is a little over the top, but you said it yourself,
that's just what we need right now.
So let's just ride this impulse.
Oh, Victoria. Hi, hi, hi, hi.
I know it's late, but we've just been robbed.
Somebody stole our television set, and 17 cans of roasted nuts.
We're asking everyone. Do you have any idea who committed this crime?
No. No, I don't.
Oh, Okay. Do you have any idea who committed this heinous crime?
- No. - Just checking. She's a friend.
I'm sorry. I didn't want you to have to lie for me.
I am Eduardo, a swarthy foreign handyman.
- Shut up. - Okay.
All right, kid. It's your big day.
Hey, Sarmoti, my kid's gonna whale on your grandkid's face.
Forget him, Hunter.
You're a lion. You're gonna put a world of hurt on that kid.
And one more thing. You don't need this any more.
Let's go, Hunter.
The boy looks good.
What are you looking at, Stripey?
- Nothing. Take it easy. - "Take it easy?"
You won't be saying "take it easy" after I feed you a hoof sandwich.
Sit down and shut up, you hay-sucking booze-bag.
Hey, girl, try not to cry on your boobs.
All right. I'm your referee, Colonel Yum Yum.
I want a clean match. May the grappling be spirited, yet sportsmanlike.
Here we go! Way to go!
Mombasa. Mombasa.
What's that, Kimba? Some wussy, white lion pattycake song.
Mombasa!
What are you doing? Get up!
That's the way, Hunter! How about that, huh?
- The kid's a winner. - I knew he could do it.
- Chief. - What?
Hunter, please, we're not savages.
Okay, Hunter. That's enough. Let's go home.
Yum Yum, look at yourself. Get a grip.
Right-o. See you at the club.
- Wow. - This TV is amazing.
I know. Webster looks so big, he's not funny any more.
How was the wrestling match?
- Mombasa. - Great.
Larry, Kate, you'll never guess who I saw in the parking lot of the Mirage.
Even the commercials are awesome. Before I couldn't read the fine print.
What's "anal leakage"?
We're here about the stolen TV.
- It sounds like the Snout brothers. - Drop the gun.
- I don't have a gun. - What happened to the gun?
I just found two of them, right here.
- What do you guys want? - Someone stole Blake's TV.
- Why'd you do it, hippie? - Did you smoke it?
- Did you burn it with the flag? - What?
- Shoes off! - I don't wear shoes.
- That figures. - Tiptoe barefoot to your gay wedding.
Excuse me?
There's a Neighborhood Watch meeting and everybody's got to be there.
Especially you, lion.
Not a animal in this compound is gonna rest
until we find that TV.
Hey, lion, the Grateful Dead broke up. Get a haircut.
Roy is frustrated. This mall has so many choices.
What to get for the white lions.
Why can't we just get them a gift certificate?
- Because it is tacky. - May I help you?
Yes, we are looking for the perfect gift for some very special loved ones.
- Where are the white lion gifts? - White lions?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Okay. I know how this works.
You've been a bad girl, ja?
Naughty? You want some discipline?
- I'm gonna call security. - I may have misread the signals.
Let me. When Governor Schwarzenegger shops here,
what does he get for his lions?
I don't know how to be more clear. We do not sell gifts for white lions.
I see. Congratulations on being a racist.
We shall browse in stemware while our anger simmers.
Hunter, can I have a word with you about today's wrestling match?
- Mombasa! - Yeah, I'm right next to you.
Listen, with this great warrior tradition stuff,
most of it is about bagging broads.
What I mean is,
it's good to feel confident, but you can take it too far.
I get it, Grandpa.
You were just helping me so I wouldn't be scared any more.
Exactly.
I'm glad we understand each other. You're a good kid.
My precious.
Grandpa wants to take the precious.
But Grandpa's a friend.
No. Kill Grandpa.
Oh, my God. A Neighborhood Watch meeting.
They'll know we did it. The Snouts are crime-solving geniuses.
This is all your fault. It was all that spontaneity nonsense.
You practically put that TV in my hands.
I just wanted you to dance without you pitching a tent. What are you, 14?
We are gathered here because a serious crime has been committed.
As we all know, the one thing that separates us from the savages
is the rule of law.
And when that law is broken, the transgressor is shunned.
Made an outcast. We all remember what happened to a certain tiger.
17-love. In your face.
But shunning is not penance enough for this villain.
We will mete out a punishment which will be swift and cruel and brutal!
Larry the lion, step forward.
Larry, do you want to be head of our Neighborhood Watch?
- What? - What indeed.
Poor slow fella, he doesn't understand my words.
But this simple mind is accompanied by an honest heart.
He will find this criminal.
As I am not covered in melted cheese, he shows no interest.
No, Blake, I think I get it. I accept.
Excellent. Keep us abreast of your progress.
- What are you doing? - Just watch.
All right, let's get this dirt bag.
You wander the perimeter of the compound. Let nobody see you.
You two, you're the sit-tight twins. I need you to go home and sit tight.
You, learn Navajo. You go undercover as a homeless person.
My house is HQ, so it's off-limits to everyone for obvious security reasons.
Now, move out. Go, go, go, go, go!
How was I?
I am Mahmoud, the falafel purveyor.
Let me be clear. I don't ever want to do that.
Hunter, what the hell has gotten into you?
Someday a real rain is gonna come and wash the scum off these streets.
Oh, for crying out loud.
How great is this?
I'm head of the Neighborhood Watch, and I'm the criminal!
This is such a rush. I can't remember the last time we had such fun together.
- Let's steal something else. - No, no, no. Let's not blow this.
Why risk getting caught?
Maybe because, come nine o'clock,
you'll have to choose between Law And Order and American Chopper.
Unless we could somehow get our hands on a device
that can record one show while we watch another.
The kid's gone off the deep end.
I was trying to help him not be such a, you know, homo.
But he got a little confused.
Common with young, modern carnivores, heads filled with violence from movies.
Combine that with this African warrior hoo-ha and you've got a time bomb.
So what do we do? How do I fix him?
He looks at you as a role model. He must see you behave as you want him to.
In other words, you must show restraint
in a situation you'd normally handle with violence.
Like when I get the bill for this crapola.
You think this job is easy?
I should bust you on the freaking pavement.
I am sorry. I will bill your insurance.
What was Mr. Chutney talking about, Grandpa?
Nothing.
Tom, you promised you was getting a divorce.
I ain't getting any younger.
Well, well, well. You got a lot of nerve showing your face around here.
Move it along, unless you want me to make you uglier than you already are.
Yeah, Grandpa. Mombasa! Mombasa!
Wait a minute. Tom, I owe you and your skanky girlfriend an apology.
I'm sorry I spoke harshly.
Oh, someone's sorry. What do you want for that, albino? A hug?
You know what? Maybe a hug is not a bad idea.
Get away from me, you wussy. It makes me sick!
Come on, baby. You can watch me eat lunch.
You can let him talk to you like that and still be a warrior?
Hunter, sometimes a warrior shows more strength by restraining himself.
- Violence isn't always the answer. - It's not?
No, Hunter. It's not.
- Did you set the TiVo? - Yeah. What's this?
Dear human race, as you now know,
the Third World War has left the earth a barren, irradiated wasteland.
No. This one is for the lions, for their gift.
Oh, yeah.
Dear Larry and Kate, we wanted to get you the perfect gift,
something you'd use every day.
Please be enjoying this Scandinavian tea service.
Hopefully, you will have us over for tea soon.
Very soon.
- There he is! - Yeah!
Hey, guys. Why the torches and pitchforks?
We're going to a tiki party harvest festival.
We wanted to see if you had any updates on the investigation.
Nothing new. Remember, stay the course, and God bless America.
Wait a second. How come we never see you out investigating?
You know, 'cause...
Isn't it convenient that
the only place we haven't checked is Larry's house because it's off-limits?
Wait a second, they must have the TV.
- Yeah, we've been bamboozled here. - Yeah.
Oh, my God. We're all so mad.
If only there was some universal symbol of mob anger.
Rocks!
No, no, wait!
- Oh, my God. - It's not here.
I guess we owe you an apology.
Hey, everybody! The Snout brothers done found the stolen TV.
I don't know how it got in my house. Why would I steal a TV?
They cut off my electricity three months ago.
- How did this happen? - I don't know.
Nice job, boys.
Man, that TV was heavier than Kirstie Alley. Why'd I say that?
She can't control herself. That joke's not right.
I've been framed. Framed, I tell you! Framed!
What does "framed" mean?
My boy, that's a warrior lesson for another time.
Oh, my God. That was too close.
- I can't handle any more excitement. - Me neither.
- So I guess our crime spree is over. - Yeah.
You know, maybe you don't need excitement in a marriage.
Maybe marriage is about appreciating those ordinary moments
you slog through every day until you die.
Which, hopefully, won't be for a long time.
But not too long.
Play, play, you damn dirty apes.